[Thursday, March 23rd, 2006] J. showed up today unexpectedly. He saw the baby, ironically all three of us are J's now. Plus Jenn makes 4, but I doubt she'd want to be included in our little private fraternity. I know she doesn't approve of J. being here, but what can I do? Deny him the ability to see his child? At church today Sean met him, as well as Jason. I'm glad no one threw a punch, though I made J. let me carry the baby so that nothing would happen to him. I convinced Cory to let J. stay over at his place for a week, max. Good friends are life's little treasures. How did sleeping with the guy I've been in love with for 7 years somehow transform into having sex once and having his child without a vow of commitment? John's furious that I won't let him shelter and take care of me, but so much the better. He needs to let go of the idea of there being an "us" and realize that we're so different than we were at 19 and 23. I have another being I'm responsible for. He has a life where he is that he has no intention of leaving, and I love the hose. After spending so much time convincing Grandfather to allow me to do the construction work needed to fix it up, I'm so proud of my little bungalow. And it's on such a large lot of land, if I ever got the funds together, there is plenty of room to expand. Right now, Jenn and I are discussing the possibility of a pool, as we both love to swim. I'm a bit nervous about a pool with the baby, but I guess we could put a fence around it to keep him out without our supervision. Life took a few unexpected turns, but all's well so far. I just hope J. doesn't plan on disturbing the harmony I've worked so hard to create. POST

[Wednesday, September 21st, 2005] how much she hurt this offspring of her womb, how much resementment lies just beneath the surface, due to having to go through so much all alone. Once home, as a mother, she tries to give her almost grown child all the room she could possibly want, but knows she still isn't happy with life. Struggling to make ends meet, trying to take the time for each of the children, she doesn't realize that just because this child is now almost a woman, that doesn't mean she's needed any less. Leaving her alone seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but oh how she would learn to regret it after a time! Leaning on a girl of only 15! But what else could she have done at the time? Two years later, they move into a different house, but life stays much the same. Until the end of that summer, for she's met a man. Not -just- a man, but a man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Finally, she can give her children the family they need and so much deserve. Finally, her oldest can stop being an adult and live the childhood she missed out on. She doesn't realize that it's too late, she's grown up before her time, and going back is next to impossible. Unaware, she forced a period of awkwardness and not belonging on the one who's helped her through so much. By the time the child/woman steps forth and tells her, it's too late. There's not much to do, but let her go through it alone, like she's gone through so much of her life already. Eighteen comes and her child is now a legal adult. She still treats her the same, and struggling ensues. Why is it so hard to get her to see that it's time to grow up and take responsiblity? She never thought being a mother would be so hard. But the time comes, and she proudly watches her girl, her baby, walk down the procession and receive her diploma. That summer, she gives the only gift she knows she can, she gives her the summer "off". To play around, to have a good time, to "screw off". At the end of the summer her child leaves, but then returns. How do you motivate an adult to do what she should? The same way you'd motivate a lazy teenager? A mother watches as her oldest child moves out. It's only to the grandmother, but it's a landmark. A child cries herself to sleep, she's supposed to be grown up, but she's not sure how. POST

I lost it [Tuesday, July 26th, 2005] I had the distance thing. The thing where i care less when you're not online, when you're busy. Then you show up. And you make me smile and make me feel special, and tell me I'm amazing. Then you say the same about her. Is it just a word? You called me. You've never done that before. How can you make me feel so damn special? There's no where for the feelings to go. It's not like you'll fall in love with me. You have "Mary". Who's "amazing". Who I'm completely jealous of. POST

[Monday, July 25th, 2005] Long ago, marriage was arranged. You married who your parents told you to, and if you weren't happy, well too bad. You had kids and eventually grew to know your husband, if not love him. Of course, the kids had to rebel. Then came the days of running away to be married, but of course, there was still arranged marriages, just more extramarrital affairs. But eventually, the world got to a state where women could choose their own husbands, and men their brides. Yet I wonder, were we better off in older days, with arranged marriages? Of course, there was rarely full blown passionate love, but at least you knew what to expect, and grew to be satisfied most of the time. Nowadays with people choosing their own spouses, things are drastically different. Divorces are legal and not only that, but common. Children are discarded as easily as yesterdays newspaper, and commitment is a word you only see in crossword puzzles. Number 38 down, 10 letters; by signing a legal document you are making a... During the times of arranged marriages, a man and a woman were married and affairs were unheard of and disgraceful to the entire family. Swept under the rug, if the man didn't stay with woman, she and the children were also branded. The man and his mistress were pushed out of the community, and if they did not leave, were certainly not associated with by the "good folks". In current times, a man is free to discard his current wife at any time. In the labor room, during cancer, or when he gets bored. A woman is also free to make the same choice; when her mid-life crisis hits, when she's unsatisfied, or when she wants to make a life altering decesion. Why? Why has commitment so rapidly vanished from our society? When getting a tattoo is simply on the to-do list, and staying married is a nearly impossible task. Is it simply because getting rid of a tattoo is more costly? Or is looking at a reminder of youthfulness easier than waking up and realizing that you've aged, and looking at your partner is an ever present reminder? I don't think we'll ever know, but I do think that as time goes on, marriage will become obliterated. Not by homosexuality, but by human nature. POST

[Monday, July 25th, 2005] He puts pressure on her until she feels like she might break. The walls surround her and she feels the voices closing her in. "Do this, why didn't you do this, do it my way." Her health starts failing and the homeopathic doctors tell her it's stress, and to do her best to eliminate it. Who are they kidding? Do they know who she lives with? Who she promised to spend her life with? This man who on the inside is really a driven child, determined to have it his own way and be rich. Not a man, for a man is self-sufficient, but a child, who depends upon her for his every move. In chess, she would be the king. It is he who is moving the pieces, but without her, the game would be over. But she's so tired of playing. Each day she wakes up, dismayed at what her life has become. Is this what it's supposed to be? This man by her side, using her as a crutch, weighing her down. His weight has become such a burden, it takes an effort to wake up in the morning. She tells herself, "It's worth staying, he's a good father to the children", never thinking of herself. The boys need him, and occasionally she does to. Those few and far in between days, when the kids are just too much for her to handle in her weakened state. Her good days are only a shadow of what they used to be. Her world has become a darkened state, and she sees no way out. This is what she has traded the world for. This man-shaped child and his offspring. Only one day the offspring will be gone, and what will be there to tie her down then? POST

[Saturday, July 23rd, 2005] She knows what she wants, she’s just not quite sure how to get it. Glaring at the car ahead of her, she turns on her blinker and sighs. The traffic is getting so much worse, she might as well have just stayed in the city and dealt with it there, instead of adding to it by commuting. Pulling down the sun visor, she glances in the mirror critically. She still has it…doesn’t she? Glancing at the car in front of her to make sure the light hasn’t changed, she wonders if she should just accept the fact that she’s the old fashioned cat lady that all the children believes is a witch. POST

[Saturday, May 14th, 2005] [ mood | determined ] "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. And my weakness is, that I care too much" I'm really proud that I finally did it. I 'sewed myself shut'. I care, but I've alienated myself from him. I don't care -too- much. And while I certainly miss him, it's not an ache. I'm filling it with God. And I know it's not cemented shut, but for right now, it's definitly better than using him as a Crutch. I remember thinking how matchbox twenty's song fit me so well, "I don't want to be a crutch, one step away from down" Why would it be any different for anyone else? Why would anyone want to be -my- crutch? I need to shove myself off of the ground. I hate job right now. But I -can- and -will- get through this. It's not permanent, so if I just hold on, I can make it through this. He's my FRIEND. He's the best of friends. Thank you God for him. But thank you even more for you...without you I wouldn't make it through this, without him, I know I can. POST

[Tuesday, May 10th, 2005] I've found him on my mind a lot less today. I want to learn so much about myself. And about my strengths. Today I learned I have willpower. I don't have to give into my whims and desires. Which means I shall finally lose the weight. I went and bought yogurt and granola, as well as granola bars. I can do this. I know I can. I miss him at times, and still dream of what it'd be like to be near him. I know the day will come when I will be, but until I can maintain my control over my feelings, and not let my heart go before my head, I know it's better to stay behind. Smile more. Think happy thoughts. POST

[Monday, May 9th, 2005] [ mood | sad ] The words hit me harder than they should. <i>Is this who I am?</i> <b>Is this who I've become</b> <u>Is this who I want to be?</u> I can rely upon God. And <i>him</i>. But relying upon him is like falling upon ice. You never know when the weather will change and you'll fall right through. God seems so distant. <i>So you make your complaints, and all everyone's let you down, you just can't ever win</i> I feel like that so often. but <i>A desperate plea for sympathy is all you'll need</i>. I was fine being alone. Then <i>he</i> came along and opened me up like I was waiting for him. <u><b><i>Was I?!</b></u>  Was I just waiting for someone to come along and care enough to open me up? Is that why it's so easy for him? Because I know he truly cares? <b><i>A laundry list of problems, Doesn't make you interesting, And never getting help doesn't make you brave, Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith, Your just cutting off your nose to spite your face,</i></b> Me always talking about me doesn't make for good phone conversation. Why can I not talk about him? Why will he not give me anything to talk about regarding him? His walls are still up. It's always about me. He's the one who brings me back down. He's the one to help. <i>Without him, who will I ask?</i>               regardless, the apron strings will be cut You just can't relax, And you can't rely, On anyone for anything, So you make your complaints, And all everyone's let you down, You just cant, Ever win, Convinced there's a war on, It's always everybody versus you, Convinced that your critics are watching, And you've always got something, You've always got something to prove, So tie the noose, And raise the cross, The martyr's arrived, A desperate plea for sympathy, It's all you'll need, A laundry list of problems, Doesn't make you interesting, And never getting help doesn't make you brave, Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith, Your just cutting off your nose to spite your face, So tie the noose, And raise the cross, The martyr's arrived, A desperate plea for sympathy, It's all you'll need! And you want it all POST

[Monday, May 9th, 2005] She wonders why she even cares. It's not like she's met him or anything. Its not like there's an actual basis for the connection. Yet there's something there. And she can't quite put her finger on it. But she knows he doesn't feel it. It's absent in his mind and heart. Why is it so prevalent in hers? She's setting herself up for a fall. She's on the cliff and her body is swaying. Is it too late to step back? Before he realizes she's gotten this close to jumping, can she scuttle back to the safety of the cave? The cave she's hidden in so long? But what if there's a chance? A chance to soar and to fly high above all the mess she's always known. A chance for something beautiful. Is it worth hovering between the sky and the ground? Or should she tie anchors around her ankles and slowly trod back to the familiar? If only there were a safe way POST

[Monday, May 9th, 2005] [ mood | distressed ] Tense. Mentally biting my nails. Not knowing what to say. You know I'm unhappy with what happened today, yet I can't show you that it really bothered me, not having anything to talk about. With you nonetheless. I have always felt I could talk to you about anything and nothing all at the same time. But today it was different. Lonely. A whole new grasp of the word. If I can't talk to you, who do I talk to? Myself? Talking in circles has never helped, why would it now. Biting my lip, realizing its time. I have to loosen the proverbial apron strings. I can't lose you. If I do..it'll be another loss to chalk up on the wall of shame. You're the last one remaining... Leave it alone POST

[Sunday, May 8th, 2005] [ mood | discontent ] How is it that you can get anything out of me? If you just ask, it's like I'm there to tell. How is it that I care about you so damn much? You're constantly on my mind. I wish I knew how you felt about me. I wish I was certain. I get glimpses, that I mean something to you. But the glimpses are shrouded in doubt. I wear my necklace. It reminds me of you everytime I see/touch it. Not that I need anything to remind me of you, but it's always there. I reach up and touch it, and I smile. I remember that there's someone out there who cares about me. Someone who believes in me. And that means everything. Which is why you mean so much to me. Your ulfaltering belief in me. That I can make it out here on my own. That I can stay strong in this job. I can tell you everything. Even the most embarassing stuff, I can tell you. And while it's embarassing, it's still okay. I hate loving you. Because I know that you aren't srue of the way you feel about me. And that limbo drives me crazy. POST

[Sunday, May 8th, 2005] [ mood | excited ] "Hiding so much isn't good for you" "You need to be more open" Well here it is. I hate most of my friends There's my secret. The one thing I'm scared to tell anyone. I can't stand being around most of my "Friends". Starting over is the best and worst thing that's happened to me. I am forced to make new friends. I have no clue as to how to start making new friends. But. I can be myself. I don't have to pretend I'm the same as I was in high school. I don't have to pretend to give a damn. While I'm still forming connections, I can blow people off I don't want to hang out with and feel no obligation. Freedom is in the air. POST

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